A recent Gottman Institute article provided a great summary of red flags and reasons that it might be time to think about getting help through couples counselling. Here is their list:
Constant Criticism. You or your partner, or both of you, are constantly criticizing the other. The criticism is more than a complaint. It is personal and disrespectful.
Contemptuous is the Norm. Eye-rolls, sarcasm, and ingratitude show up whenever you are interacting with each other. You view your partner as an enemy to your happiness or vice versa.
You’re on the Defensive. One of both of you is not apt to accept the partner’s perspective or offer an apology.
You’re Emotionally or Physically Distant. You or your partner have withdrawn to avoid any kind of deep conversations or conflict. Arguments stop. You don’t spend time together anymore and your relationship is sexless. The closeness between the both of you is fading, and a sense of loneliness has been slowly creeping in. This is called “drift,” and it is a common precursor to divorce.
Fantasizing about Escape. You or your partner begin to think “What if?” and fantasize about greener pastures. What if we lived apart? What if I could be with so-and-so? What if I never married him or her?
Negative Thoughts Override The Positive. The relationship experiences “overriding negative sentiment,” which is when one or both partners consistently sees the negative side of problems or each other. Are you giving greater weight to the negatives more than the positives? If so, then the negativity bias has likely become confirmation bias. The negative exchanges crowded out the positive stuff, thereby “proving” your negative beliefs about your partner.
The 3 A’s. Adultery, addiction, or abuse is present in the relationship. These are couples who need the help the most. They are dealing with serious issues that can cause emotional and physical harm to the partners and the family. Healing and recovery from these traumas will require the help of a skilled couples therapist.
If any of these red flags ring true for you, we can help.
Our counsellor Lorri, MSW, RCSW, is currently accepting new individual & couples counselling clients, either virtually or in person in our office.
If you have questions or would like to learn more about Strength in Heart’s couples counselling please contact us at admin@strengthinheart.ca